A lifetime of kink shame and controlling boyfriends
I knew I was kinky from a very young age, but I was deeply ashamed of my sexual desires. They were dark, they were sinful. They meant there was something wrong with me.
Because even watching porn was too edgy for me, I used to read erotica about women being tied up, dominated, and used by men. The darker the fantasy, the more explosive the orgasm. But as those orgasms would bloom through my body, I was horrified to learn they were actually made of shame. Exquisite, forceful, dark, terrifying. I’d panic and shove it back into my womb. Then I’d straighten myself up and go back to pretending to be a feminist who loved herself.
My first experience exploring sex with a dominant man solidified the very lessons that I’d gleaned from 50 Shades of Gray: dominant men are abusive. Having kinky sex must come at the expense of my physical and emotional safety. Anyone who wants to experience perverse things does not get to have their boundaries be respected.
I took this lesson so deeply to heart that I chose to marry a vanilla monogamous man who I knew had no interest in having the kind of sex I wanted. I thought I was choosing the smart, safe path for myself. After all, what kind of person would choose sex over love?
Quick introduction to my methodology: I believe we’re all made up of many parts that developed at earlier moments in our lives to protect us. As long as they’re unconscious, they come out anytime they perceive a threat. They throw a blindfold over your eyes and take the wheel.
The truth is that I had a deeply submissive one in me, who longed to relinquish control to a strong man. Because I believed she was wrong and bad to have in my system, I disowned her and denied her existence. The result was that she took the driver’s seat permanently in my relationships. I crafted all my relationships and eventually a marriage such that she got to have her needs met in the shadows with extremely controlling men. I was a powerhouse in my outward-facing life, but behind closed doors I had no boundaries. I accepted my husband’s will as “an unstoppable force” and submitted to it, even as he drove us farther and farther away from the life I desired.
When I left my marriage and finally dove into exploring kink, I found that giving my submissive one a sandbox to play in changed everything. I also found that the foundations of the BDSM community are actually clear communication, consent, and safety. E.L. James didn’t know about this world. The dominant man I explored with didn’t know about this world.
But when I started exploring and allowing my submissive to be met in a lovingly negotiated BDSM container, I got to meet her. To know her desires and delight in how hot they are. She gets to feel every last delicious moment of her powerlessness and worthlessness. And the thing is, in her fully expressed truth and her empowered choice to exchange her power, she is stunningly powerful. I love her for all the hotness and freedom she has brought into my life.
Because now I can see her consciously, I can straight up ask her what she wants and then GIVE IT TO HER in containers crafted with total love. And because her needs are getting met, she doesn’t blindfold me nearly as often. Et, voila: no more unconscious attraction to controlling boyfriends.
The truth is that we all have darkness in us. We all have dark desires. And while not everyone is practicing BDSM consciously, you can. Bringing shame gremlins into the light is utterly transformative, and it can absolutely be done in a context of respect, consent, and deep love.
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